Understanding Your Child's Enneagram Personality Type - The Lion, AKA Enneagram Number 8

Understanding Your Child's Enneagram Personality Type - The Lion, AKA Enneagram Number 8

This is the fifth in a series of summaries of information developed for the MTH workshop on Parenting provided by Suzanne Stabile and Dr. Barbara Rila.

Enneagram - Type 8

This is one of the most intimidating children to parent, with strong will, demands, and a love of conflict. Just like its namesake, the Lion will be aggressive, striking offensively to avoid being blindsided by betrayal. It is difficult to feel close to a Lion, and harder yet for the Lion to trust enough to allow closeness.

Lion children typically have strained attachment relationships in adoption. Betrayal is their worst fear, and they have been betrayed in the worst way imaginable: kicked out of the pride by the elders, stranded to fend for themselves in adoption. Anger often accompanies the Lion into adoption, along with its milder expressions of rebellion, oppositionality, defiance, and arguing. These ‘attacks’ are the Lion’s preemptive strike to avoid closeness and betrayal.

Adoptive parents struggle under the weight of the sins of their predecessors when parenting the Lion. But, it is critical to both child and parent they not personalize the attacks. The Lion who wounds a parent is on top of the chain of command and assumes control of the weaker family members. This seriously undermines the parent-child role functioning, diminishing the adoptive parent’s authority, ability to attach, and feel closeness with and warmth for their child. Furthermore, the Lion’s ability to learn when to submit to authority is compromised; a skill they will need for a lifetime.

The primary parenting skill needed with a Lion is the ability not to wither in the face of anger and conflict. This will be natural for a few parents, but will need to be cultivated by many. Directly facing the attack, keeping eye contact, standing tall, feet firmly planted, and using a firm, no nonsense voice is advised. Offer short and repeated instructions, regardless of what the child offers, is necessary in a conflict. Remind them the matter will be discussed more thoroughly when they are calm/respectful/in control. Then make sure to follow up under those conditions in the child, but at a time, place and way initiated by the parent.

For the smaller infractions a wonderful example of parenting is demonstrated by Super Nanny. Emotions are low, instructions are simple and respectful, time out are meted out according to developmental stage, acknowledgment of wrong-doing and an apology are required to exit time out, and forgiveness is offered. This paradigm works well for the Lion because of the refusal to engage in argument, the parent maintaining composure therefore rebuffing the attack, and the requirement the child accept responsibility and apologize. It makes the Lion roll over, show their belly to a bigger ‘lion’, and begins to tame the beast.

Parents of Lions do not receive many benefits in the form of love, appreciation, or closeness. They must often settle for respect, grudging submission to their authority, and if they are lucky and successful, trust. To be trusted, the parent of a Lion must assume the mantle of authority, backing down the child who knows they are not safe when they are aggressive. The parent will also need to be consistent, predictable, and keep ‘promises’. Bear in mind that off-handed comments are taken by many children as promises, and with the Lion, throw in a ‘maybe’, a disclaimer, or a ‘let’s try to’ modifier with such statements. Lions will need to know earlier than other children the truth about Santa Claus, Tooth Fairies, and Easter Bunnies. Because the fear betrayal, lying even for the fun of the occasion is not advisable.

Lions can be taught many skills in conflict, social situations, manners, and anger management. But they must experience the need to use these skills. Lions in particular, should be taught their number and its limitations and consequences to help them understand the need for these seemingly pointless skills.

Understanding Your Child's Enneagram Personality Type - The Kangaroo, AKA Enneagram Number 2

This is the fourth in a series of summaries of information developed for the MTH workshop on Parenting provided by Suzanne Stabile and Dr. Barbara Rila.

Kangaroo, AKA Enneagram number 2

The Kangaroo is focused on whether or not they are wanted by loved ones. This is particularly cruel when the child has been abandoned by birth parents and placed for adoption. Despite the pretty stories about being wanted by the adoptive parents, the Kangaroo remains acutely aware that they were unwanted by their first parents. The mark this leaves on a child perpetuates insecurity, fears of abandonment and need for much reassurance. Insecure attachments in adoption are often a result of the intrinsic fears of the Kangaroo.

Kangaroos will often want to search for the birthparents, to gain reassurance they were wanted. This is risky, of course, given that how the birthparent will respond is an unknown, potentially augmenting the Kangaroo’s sense of being unwanted. Open adoptions, when appropriate and available, may help the child access the reassurance that their placement was NOT about being unwanted, rather about what the parent could not provide for them.

Kangaroos will need a truthful and honest account of what is known about their placement, even if it is an ugly story. They are emotionally savvy, sensing the unstated and undercurrents and will always interpret these in a negative fashion. Providing the true story, in developmentally appropriate language, allows the Kangaroo to grieve their losses and to receive the love available to them within adoption.

Low impact discipline is also appropriate for the Kangaroo. Time in rather than time out is particularly important. Isolating a Kangaroo is tantamount to rejection and abandonment, confirming their worst fear of being unwanted. Debriefing with the child after serving a time in also critically important. This allows for repair of the breach in relationship, reassuring the Kangaroo they are wanted.

Parents of Kangaroos should cultivate an interaction style which signals their emotional presence. Distracted, detached, or auto-pilot parenting will confirm the child’s sense of being unwanted. A warm, interested focus on the Kangaroo will allow them to feel like they are indeed wanted and precious. Parents should establish eye contact with the Kangaroo, and mirror their emotions back to them. Reflective listening is very helpful also, mirroring back to the child what they are expressing to let them know they have been heard and understood.

Reflective listening is particularly important with angry feelings. Kangaroos can sprout anger, as opposed to their usual caregiving. Accepting and processing angries with the Kangaroo means they are wanted even when not they aren’t particularly likeable.

Finally, conveying to the Kangaroo that they are wanted can be accomplished in many small and visible ways. A joyous greeting each and every arrival will tell them they are wanted. Keeping photos prominently displayed at home and workplace will convey their status within the family. Guilt gifts after a separation signal the child was in the parent’s heart even when they were not together. And for the adopted Kangaroo, a repeated telling of their ‘gotcha’ story with delight and joy, will regularly remind them of how much they are wanted within this family.

Deepening the Connection with your Adopted Child Conference Coming!

Deepening the Connection with

your Adopted Child

Friday, July 8

Saturday, July 9

• 6:30 - 9 p.m. • 9 a.m. - 5 p.m.

Lunch & evening snacks included

The Gladney Center

6300 John Ryan Drive, Fort Worth, Texas

To register, go to http://my-treehouse.org/index.php?option=com_jevents&task=icalrepeat.detail&evid=83&Itemid=

Deepening the Connection with your Adopted Child

July 8-9, 2011

Workshop for Parents 

Part I Friday night 6:30 - 9:00p.m. and Saturday 9:00am-2:00pm

Using a powerful and distinctive tool for understanding personality, Suzanne Stabile teaches this foundational workshop for parents of adoptive children. Attendees will gain insight into how the parent’s personality impacts their approach to communication and parenting techniques. An adoptee herself, Suzanne is uniquely qualified to apply the lessons of this session for adoptive parents. Attendees will more fully understand the distinctions between different personality types, and how those types are expressed in both adults and children. 

Part II Saturday afternoon 2-5pm Dr. Barbara Rila will expand on the lessons of personality offered in our first session, detailing how personality types impact the "goodness of fit" between parents and children. "Goodness of Fit" refers to the level of compatibility between a parent and child, and is a critical component in the development of healthy emotional connections within the family unit.   

Workshop attendees will learn how goodness of fit impacts relational empathy, personal compatibility, and conflict resolution. Attendees will also learn how unavoidable stress points in personality fit can impede relational connection, and possibly even attachment. By gaining an understanding of different personalities, parents learn how to address their own stress points. The workshop includes a parent self-appraisal process. A parallel appraisal process appropriate for use with children will also be made available. Finally, parents will be given a map of fits and misses, to guide their parenting growth plan. 

Workshop for Children - Ages 8-15 years old* 

Saturday all day 9-5pm Dr. Barbara Rila, Dr. Jason Mishalanie, Jim Harlow, Joey Schewee, and Patti Pickering will facilitate the Children’s Workshop. Children will learn about different personality types and discover their own in a fun atmosphere. This session is designed to build self-esteem and respect for the gifts and ability of others. Children will learn more about the positive and challenging aspects of their personality. Finally, children will be given a self-appraisal that will be provided to parents for use in the "Goodness of Fit" discussion in the parent workshop.

Featured Speakers 


Dr. Barbara Rila 
Dr. Rila is a nationally recognized psychologist who has served as a therapist to foster and adoptive families for 25 years. She also provides nationwide training in adoption, attachment, and abuse issues. Dr. Rila has served on numerous boards including the Dallas Psychological Association, Texas Association of Infant Mental Health, and was the first president and founding member of the Association for Treatment and Training in the Attachment of Children. 

Suzanne Stabile

An adoptee herself, Suzanne holds a Bachelor’s Degree in Social Science from Southern Methodist University, and 

has completed additional graduate studies in both Theology and Sociology. Suzanne is a recognized and sought after instructor in the Enneagram, a centuries-old method of identifying personality types that is widely respected as a valuable tool in understanding individual behaviour and motivations. 

Jim Harlow 

Jim is an adoptive parent of five children from backgrounds of abuse and neglect and with special needs. After being self employed for over 30 years and raising his family, Jim went back to school to earn his M.A. in Counseling at Dallas Baptist University. He is also completing the required supervised counseling hours for his Licensed Professional Counselor Internship in private practice. Aside from his personal experience in his own family, Jim and his wife have spent years working with other adoptive families in parent support groups. 

For more information contact: 

ppickering@my-treehouse.org

Understanding Your Child's Enneagram Personality Type - The Rabbit, AKA Enneagram Number 6

The Rabbit, like its namesake is easily frightened and just wants to be safe. Some Rabbits act scared, some act tough to cover their fears. All Rabbits need love and safety from their parents. When a Rabbit has been placed for adoption, their safety needs are violated, massive fears are aroused, and over-attachment can present in adoption. Rabbits may cling harder and longer than other children to the adoptive parents, suffering separation anxiety much longer and with greater pain. This is known as an Insecure Attachment and befuddles parents who are dependable and steadfast in their commitment to the child they adopted.

Anxiety may permeate all the Rabbit’s relationships in the form of insecurity, diminished self esteem, or controlling and bossy behaviors. The relationships which are hoped to provide safety can instead bring about conflict, hurt, and rejection. Bullies may sense the insecurity of the Rabbit and have great fun tormenting them. This will simply confirm, again, that the world is not a safe place.

Many of the Rabbit’s fears are disproportionately large and enthusiastically portrayed. The parent who engages at that level of excitement will inadvertently confirm the child’s fears with their enthusiasm. Better would be a modulated response which first hears the child’s concerns, acknowledges the worry, problem solves with the child about how to manage, and verbalizes confidence in the child’s courage, strength, or perseverance.

Bedtime is problematic for Rabbits. Separation from the parent, being alone with their worries, and perhaps having fears at night all culminate in this process becoming labor intensive for parents. Establishing a bedtime ritual is important to the Rabbit. Prayers are recommended, or another reflective activity befitting the family’s spiritual traditions. A parent could grant leniency on such things as keeping a light on or music playing. Winding down the day could include warm water for bathing, milk products, lovies, and tuck ins. Parents often lie down with the Rabbit until they fall asleep. As last resort, Rabbits can sleep with parents, or in a nest on their bedroom floor, until the high anxiety abates.

In general, a Rabbit’s fears can be assuaged by structure, predictability, keeping a familiar routine, and preparing the child for any anticipated changes. This is a child who takes literally, and as a promise, everything a parent says is going to happen. The surest way to make the Rabbit feel unsafe with a parent is to casually dismiss these ‘promises’ later. Repeated disappointments of this sort erode the parent-child relationship.

A Rabbit can get hopping mad. When they do, it looks like and sounds like a toddler’s tantrum. That is how the parent should treat it, wait for the storm to pass and when they can talk in a civil voice, address the problem succinctly.

Barbara Rila, Ph.D., P.C.

Understanding Your Child's Enneagram Personality Type - Parenting an Monkey, Enneagram Type 7

This series of articles is a summary of the training event held on April 9th at My TreeHouse. Suzanne Stabile and Dr. Barbara Rila discussed the lost childhood messages and parenting adopted children.

The Monkey, AKA Enneagram Number 7

One would never guess that the exuberant Monkey is fearful their needs won't be taken care of. This is one child who repeatedly miscues parents about what they want and need. Seemingly quite self-sufficient, the Monkey has deep and hidden pockets of fear, not readily apparent to others. Monkeys can be active, enthusiastic, and energetic when happy and sad, scared and even angry, when threatened. Parents will have problems discerning the tender needs of the Monkey because of their expression of all feelings in energy output.

Attachment is therefore complicated with a Monkey. The miscues reduce opportunities for the parent to recognize and meet emotional needs. The emotional needs far exceed what is signaled, so many go unmet. The child feels misunderstood or neglected, thinking the parent will not take care of them. In response, the Monkey gets busier and busier, mounting up unmet needs, and anger at the parent for neglecting them.

A Monkey placed for adoption has confirmation in their story that the birth family could not take care of them. This terrible affirmation of their greatest fear activates all that energy, distraction, and activity within their adoptive family, to ward off the enormous sadness of not being able to receive the care of the first parents. Trying to build an attachment with an adopted Monkey is like trying to capture a moving target. And that moving target is evading the very sadness of loss, the very sadness which must be addressed to form a new attachment in the adoptive family.

Monkeys will need to be repeatedly told, and shown that sadness and other negative feelings are normal and survivable. They will need role models for grief and loss and coping with the same. Sad and bad feelings will need acknowledgement when parents suspect them. If the monkey denies bad feelings, parents will need to again reassure the child that bad feelings are normal and even healthy. A wonderful way to sell the Monkey on owning bad feelings is to teach them that such feelings are temporary, and that talking about them gets them to go away faster.

The hyperactive Monkey needs clear boundaries, rules, and expectations. While spontaneity is treasured by the Monkey, so too is the constancy of the parent's presence, their unwavering love, and efforts to care for the child. Firm limits will be necessary even when they spoil the child's fun, or maybe in order to spoil the Monkey's fun! The rules and boundaries serve to allow the fearful Monkey to be safe, one of their primary needs.

Monkeys need many and varied stimulating activities. Easily bored and not readily tired out, they are challenging for parents with more responsibilities and less energy. These are children who will readily accept anyone who entertains them, so share their care, taxiing and supervision with other adults. Enjoy the peace and quite while your Monkey is gone, because you'll need that reserve supply when they return!

Understanding Your Child's Enneagram Personality Type - Parenting an Owl, Enneagram Type 5

This series of articles is a summary of the training event held on April 9^th at MTH. Suzanne Stabile and Dr. Rila discussed the lost childhood messages and parenting adopted children.

The Owl, Enneagram Type 5:

‘Your needs are not a problem’ is the message to provide for this child. The difficult part for the parent is discerning the child’s needs and wants. The indications are subtle, a slight physical reaction, a small hesitation, a fleeting expression. But the minimalistic expression should not be interpreted by parents as unimportant. Tuning into these hints will allow the parent to sensitively address the need or desire of the Owl.

Responding to needs and wishes of an Owl should be low impact however. Eager parents who pounce upon the opportunity to engage the child, will overwhelm the Owl and cause them to retreat. A calm, quiet invitation is better received, matching the child’s level of expression. This is called attunement; a parent sensitively matching a child’s expression of needs.

Attunement is the mechanism by which attachment is built. The Owl has fewer expressions of needs and therefore it is more challenging to build the attachment relationship. Owls are particularly resistant to attachment if they have been previously neglected, abused, or abandoned. All adopted children have experienced an enormous loss, and the Owl will be quite sensitive about this.

If the Owl expresses fears, these will be far deeper than they appear. Think of the iceberg; the visible portion is tiny in comparison to the deadly and enormous portion below. That is not to say a parent needs to react strongly to the Owl’s expression of fear, just to recognize that a hint of anxiety indicates a genuine problem. Discussing the facts of the matter will be reassuring to the Owl; knowledge brings comfort and greater security for this child.

Owls need low impact discipline, mildly and calmly delivered. They will need explanations for rules, expectations, and consequences. No giving the ‘because I said so’ rationale to these children. Feed their brain with reason, so their behavior can follow. Use an explanation which matches your Owl’s stage of intellectual development , recognizing that some explanations will be beyond the child’s cognitive level of understanding. This will be highly frustrating for the child, so stick closely to safety rules and rationales whenever possible.

Feed the brain of the Owl with shared activities of interest to them. Cultivate shared interests and activities because this too will celebrate the uniqueness of this child, and will convey your value and pleasure in their company. Do remember however, that low impact joy and enthusiasm are more welcome than exuberance.

Barbara Rila, Ph.D., P.C.

Workshop 2: Enneagram and Parenting: The Next Step

Parent Workshop
Faciliated by Suzanne Stabile and Barbara Rila, PhD

This workshop is a wonderful opportuntity to build upon what you have discovered about yourself after learning your Enneagram number. You will have a chance to discover the message you received unconsciously in your childhood. You will learn the basic fear and basicdesire of your Enneagram personality type and how it is lived out in your day-to-day responses to life. And, you will discover the message that you have longed to hear in your childhood but was somehow lost to you. The consequence is- now as adults - our response to our children and daily life is colored by whether or not we understand how each of these affects us.

Suzanne Stabile and Dr. Barbara Rila will faciliate the workshop together offering several opportunities for Q&A throughout the day.

** Prerequisite: Participants must know their Enneagram personality type (number).

Childrens' Workshop - Age 8 to 16 years old
Facilitators: Patti Pickering and Joey Schewee

The childrens' workshop will continue the conversation from our January workshop regarding the importance and impact of friendships.  The topic of peer influence and how to balance the value of going along with the crowd (connection) with the importance of making principle-based decisions (independence). The children will be separated into groups for age appropriate discussion. The remainder of the children's workshop will be a combination of outdoor games, activities, and a scavenger hunt.

Location: The Micah Center, 9027 Midway Road, Dallas, TX
Cost: $50 per adult; $75 for two adults; $25 per child