It is the season of Glad Tidings. And then there is reality: hustle and bustle, obligations, financial concerns, scrambling to the finish line with meals, decorations, and gifts. Whew! No wonder every parent has stress this time of year. The kids, it seems, get all the fun (except for sevens!).
For those of us who celebrate Christ's birth this time of year, our focus can shift away from the adoption story imbedded in our faith. This is a wonderful season to highlight Jesus' adoption and the invitation for all of us to be adopted by his Father.
Jesus was sent by his Father to be raised in a family, charging them with the full parental responsibilities of loving care, guidance, and protection. Indeed, it was not long after his birth that his father had to flee with his newly adopted son to avoid the minions of Herod. Jesus in turn, loved his parents, accepted their guidance and thrived in their care. This model serves all families, and is particularly sweet for adoptive families.
For those not celebrating Christ's birth, the story is nonetheless remarkable. Even as fiction, the potency of adoption, and bonds built in love comes through in the story. Which is why we endure the hustle, bustle, and mega stress of this time of year!
Happy holidays to all from Barbara Rila and My TreeHouse.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Saturday, December 18, 2010
I wonder if she wonders?"
It is my experience that the holiday season is a time that includes nagging questions for most adoptees. And, in my years of living with those questions there is a loss of peace that is seemingly unavoidable once we engage in the musing. It isn't necessarily that the questions are bad or even that the answers are accompanied by any particular emotion. It's jsut that those whoe are not adopted don't think about the same things we do, and that sets the stage for a familiar loneliness...a loneliness that includes the reality of an imaginary mother.
I've been giving some thought to the idea that even small children sometimes handle loneliness by creating imaginary friends to accompany them through the day. Three of my four children had imaginary playmates when they were young. I suspect my youngest, who is still very lonely, has an invisible, silent companion with whom he may be sharing secrets and dreams today. He is twenty-two. "Twenty-two!" you say. And you probably think, "That is much too old for one to have an imagined companion!" But some loneliness is not easily tolerated and can only be addressed with imagination.
When my children allowed me to glimpse, always through a window, the world they had created from some memory I did not recognize, I found the names, character and interests of these unseen playmates to be foreign. It was like an encounter with people from another land or another time and place, unknown to me but familiar to my children. I would ask questions of the invisible friends and my sons and daughter would speak in a voice different from their own when answering. As I recall, it seemed that they were in some enchanted place that could be known only to them and I suspect I smiled at their creativity.
The journey with an imaginary mother is different. It requires more courage than creativity. In those conversations that I have in my head with my birth mother, I find that I can only speak for myself. I never risk speaking for her. Why? Because I don't understand her!
I don't know where she is.
I don't know how she could have left.
I don't know what I did to make her want to leave.
I don't know what she sounds like.
I don't know what she looks like.
You see, it is hard to make up someone who is real.
So...I settle for wondering if she wonders about me too.
Suzanne Stabile - December 17, 2010
__________________________________________________
In reflecting on what caused me to wonder about my birth parents and their families during the holiday season I am aware of some subtle language changes that might be helpful to you.
Sometimes we say: "I remember the first Christmas after we got you..."
Instead say: "I remember our first Christmas..."
Sometimes we say: "This is Suzanne and Joe's adopted daughter _______..."
Instead say: "This is Suzanne's and Joe's daughter _______..."
Sometimes we avoid what needs to be said. It woudl be really good to say to your son or daughter at some point during the holidays something like, "I would bet your birth mother always thinks of you during the holidays. I sometimes think about her, do you?" And then be prepared for a conversation that might or might not result. Either way, let the child lead.
Language is subtle but so very powerful. It is good to be conscious of patterns of speaking that may not communicate what is in your heart.
As we continue to build the My TreeHouse community, I am so aware of the gift you are in my life and I look forward with hope to 2011. We will be blessed with the gift of sharing what we are learning with new families and we will be challenged to keep learning as we try to better understand the realities of adoption. Finally, because of the strength you all give to me, I will be able this year for the first time to pray for blessing for the mother, father, and perhaps siblings I will probably never know. For some reason that I cannot yet explain, your love for me is making it easier for me to have honest affection for them. Thank you.
I pray that this holiday season is filled with aded blessing for you and yours.
Suzanne
I've been giving some thought to the idea that even small children sometimes handle loneliness by creating imaginary friends to accompany them through the day. Three of my four children had imaginary playmates when they were young. I suspect my youngest, who is still very lonely, has an invisible, silent companion with whom he may be sharing secrets and dreams today. He is twenty-two. "Twenty-two!" you say. And you probably think, "That is much too old for one to have an imagined companion!" But some loneliness is not easily tolerated and can only be addressed with imagination.
When my children allowed me to glimpse, always through a window, the world they had created from some memory I did not recognize, I found the names, character and interests of these unseen playmates to be foreign. It was like an encounter with people from another land or another time and place, unknown to me but familiar to my children. I would ask questions of the invisible friends and my sons and daughter would speak in a voice different from their own when answering. As I recall, it seemed that they were in some enchanted place that could be known only to them and I suspect I smiled at their creativity.
The journey with an imaginary mother is different. It requires more courage than creativity. In those conversations that I have in my head with my birth mother, I find that I can only speak for myself. I never risk speaking for her. Why? Because I don't understand her!
I don't know where she is.
I don't know how she could have left.
I don't know what I did to make her want to leave.
I don't know what she sounds like.
I don't know what she looks like.
You see, it is hard to make up someone who is real.
So...I settle for wondering if she wonders about me too.
Suzanne Stabile - December 17, 2010
__________________________________________________
In reflecting on what caused me to wonder about my birth parents and their families during the holiday season I am aware of some subtle language changes that might be helpful to you.
Sometimes we say: "I remember the first Christmas after we got you..."
Instead say: "I remember our first Christmas..."
Sometimes we say: "This is Suzanne and Joe's adopted daughter _______..."
Instead say: "This is Suzanne's and Joe's daughter _______..."
Sometimes we avoid what needs to be said. It woudl be really good to say to your son or daughter at some point during the holidays something like, "I would bet your birth mother always thinks of you during the holidays. I sometimes think about her, do you?" And then be prepared for a conversation that might or might not result. Either way, let the child lead.
Language is subtle but so very powerful. It is good to be conscious of patterns of speaking that may not communicate what is in your heart.
As we continue to build the My TreeHouse community, I am so aware of the gift you are in my life and I look forward with hope to 2011. We will be blessed with the gift of sharing what we are learning with new families and we will be challenged to keep learning as we try to better understand the realities of adoption. Finally, because of the strength you all give to me, I will be able this year for the first time to pray for blessing for the mother, father, and perhaps siblings I will probably never know. For some reason that I cannot yet explain, your love for me is making it easier for me to have honest affection for them. Thank you.
I pray that this holiday season is filled with aded blessing for you and yours.
Suzanne
Friday, December 10, 2010
When it's more than adoption...
One of the hardest decision points for parents is when professional help is needed for an adoptive child. Sensitive parents are aware adoption brings complexity to the child's self concept, emotions surrounding losses, and family relationships. Sensitive parents support the child's sorting out of these challenges, and join the child in working at family relationships. Sensitive parents can be both too slow, and too quick, to seek help. So what should a sensitive parent know about how to make that decision?
First, parents who are members of an active adoption community and support network should tap their resources. Talking with other parents raising a child of a similar age and background can help form appropriate expectations for child behavior. If the area of difficulty seems normal to other parents, it probably is.
Second, learning more about the child's coping with feelings is very helpful as is understanding how that fits with parents' own style. Of course, the My TreeHouse model for doing this uses the Enneagram personality types. Modifications then can be made to support the child, communicate more effectively about feelings, and select better forms of discipline.
Third, providing the child the opportunity to socialize with other adopted children will reduce their sense of isolation because they are different from peers. If that socialization includes both fun and serious activities, the adoption issues are usually addressed.
Fourth, ongoing education keeps parents aware of the rapidly growing understanding of child development and how that may affect their child.
Finally, if all of these efforts are made, and the child is still struggling, clinical help may be sought. Seek help when:
First, parents who are members of an active adoption community and support network should tap their resources. Talking with other parents raising a child of a similar age and background can help form appropriate expectations for child behavior. If the area of difficulty seems normal to other parents, it probably is.
Second, learning more about the child's coping with feelings is very helpful as is understanding how that fits with parents' own style. Of course, the My TreeHouse model for doing this uses the Enneagram personality types. Modifications then can be made to support the child, communicate more effectively about feelings, and select better forms of discipline.
Third, providing the child the opportunity to socialize with other adopted children will reduce their sense of isolation because they are different from peers. If that socialization includes both fun and serious activities, the adoption issues are usually addressed.
Fourth, ongoing education keeps parents aware of the rapidly growing understanding of child development and how that may affect their child.
Finally, if all of these efforts are made, and the child is still struggling, clinical help may be sought. Seek help when:
- Age mates respond negatively to the child and friendships fail.
- Obvious distress isolates the child from the family.
- Indicators of drug and alcohol abuse are present.
- Parents feel they cannot appropriately manage the child without over-discipline or neglect.
- Parents sense the child is not attached to them.
Welcome to My TreeHouse Post Adoption Support Blog.
Welcome Parents, Friends, and Colleagues to the My TreeHouse Post Adoption Support Blog.
Our mission at My TreeHouse is to offer a safe place for adopted children and their families to honestly share their experience of adoption, while developing friendships and community.
Our vision is to serve adopted children and their families by providing the most comprehensive post adoption resources in Texas.
Look for future articles from our leadership team! In addition to me, Dr. Barbara Rila and Suzanne Stabile will be contributing often.
Dr. Rila is a nationally recognized psychologist who has served as a therapist to foster and adoptive families for 25 years. She also provides nationwide training in adoption, attachment, and abuse issues. Dr. Rila has served on numerous boards including the Dallas Psychological Association, Texas Association of Infant Mental Health, and was the first president and founding member of the Association for Treatment and Training in the Attachment of Children.
Suzanne Stabile is an adoptee herself. She holds a Bachelor's degree in Social Science from Southern Methodist University, and has completed additional graduate studies in both Theology and Sociology. Suzanne is a recognized and sought after instructor in the Enneagram, a centuries-old method of identifying personality types that is widely respected as a valuable tool in understanding individual behavior and motivations.
Please come often to our blog for support and guidance. We welcome your comments and feedback as well.
Sincerely,
Patti Pickering
Executive Director, My TreeHouse
Our mission at My TreeHouse is to offer a safe place for adopted children and their families to honestly share their experience of adoption, while developing friendships and community.
Our vision is to serve adopted children and their families by providing the most comprehensive post adoption resources in Texas.
Look for future articles from our leadership team! In addition to me, Dr. Barbara Rila and Suzanne Stabile will be contributing often.
Dr. Rila is a nationally recognized psychologist who has served as a therapist to foster and adoptive families for 25 years. She also provides nationwide training in adoption, attachment, and abuse issues. Dr. Rila has served on numerous boards including the Dallas Psychological Association, Texas Association of Infant Mental Health, and was the first president and founding member of the Association for Treatment and Training in the Attachment of Children.
Suzanne Stabile is an adoptee herself. She holds a Bachelor's degree in Social Science from Southern Methodist University, and has completed additional graduate studies in both Theology and Sociology. Suzanne is a recognized and sought after instructor in the Enneagram, a centuries-old method of identifying personality types that is widely respected as a valuable tool in understanding individual behavior and motivations.
Please come often to our blog for support and guidance. We welcome your comments and feedback as well.
Sincerely,
Patti Pickering
Executive Director, My TreeHouse
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