Understanding Your Child's Enneagram Personality Type - The Lion, AKA Enneagram Number 8

Understanding Your Child's Enneagram Personality Type - The Lion, AKA Enneagram Number 8

This is the fifth in a series of summaries of information developed for the MTH workshop on Parenting provided by Suzanne Stabile and Dr. Barbara Rila.

Enneagram - Type 8

This is one of the most intimidating children to parent, with strong will, demands, and a love of conflict. Just like its namesake, the Lion will be aggressive, striking offensively to avoid being blindsided by betrayal. It is difficult to feel close to a Lion, and harder yet for the Lion to trust enough to allow closeness.

Lion children typically have strained attachment relationships in adoption. Betrayal is their worst fear, and they have been betrayed in the worst way imaginable: kicked out of the pride by the elders, stranded to fend for themselves in adoption. Anger often accompanies the Lion into adoption, along with its milder expressions of rebellion, oppositionality, defiance, and arguing. These ‘attacks’ are the Lion’s preemptive strike to avoid closeness and betrayal.

Adoptive parents struggle under the weight of the sins of their predecessors when parenting the Lion. But, it is critical to both child and parent they not personalize the attacks. The Lion who wounds a parent is on top of the chain of command and assumes control of the weaker family members. This seriously undermines the parent-child role functioning, diminishing the adoptive parent’s authority, ability to attach, and feel closeness with and warmth for their child. Furthermore, the Lion’s ability to learn when to submit to authority is compromised; a skill they will need for a lifetime.

The primary parenting skill needed with a Lion is the ability not to wither in the face of anger and conflict. This will be natural for a few parents, but will need to be cultivated by many. Directly facing the attack, keeping eye contact, standing tall, feet firmly planted, and using a firm, no nonsense voice is advised. Offer short and repeated instructions, regardless of what the child offers, is necessary in a conflict. Remind them the matter will be discussed more thoroughly when they are calm/respectful/in control. Then make sure to follow up under those conditions in the child, but at a time, place and way initiated by the parent.

For the smaller infractions a wonderful example of parenting is demonstrated by Super Nanny. Emotions are low, instructions are simple and respectful, time out are meted out according to developmental stage, acknowledgment of wrong-doing and an apology are required to exit time out, and forgiveness is offered. This paradigm works well for the Lion because of the refusal to engage in argument, the parent maintaining composure therefore rebuffing the attack, and the requirement the child accept responsibility and apologize. It makes the Lion roll over, show their belly to a bigger ‘lion’, and begins to tame the beast.

Parents of Lions do not receive many benefits in the form of love, appreciation, or closeness. They must often settle for respect, grudging submission to their authority, and if they are lucky and successful, trust. To be trusted, the parent of a Lion must assume the mantle of authority, backing down the child who knows they are not safe when they are aggressive. The parent will also need to be consistent, predictable, and keep ‘promises’. Bear in mind that off-handed comments are taken by many children as promises, and with the Lion, throw in a ‘maybe’, a disclaimer, or a ‘let’s try to’ modifier with such statements. Lions will need to know earlier than other children the truth about Santa Claus, Tooth Fairies, and Easter Bunnies. Because the fear betrayal, lying even for the fun of the occasion is not advisable.

Lions can be taught many skills in conflict, social situations, manners, and anger management. But they must experience the need to use these skills. Lions in particular, should be taught their number and its limitations and consequences to help them understand the need for these seemingly pointless skills.

Understanding Your Child's Enneagram Personality Type - The Kangaroo, AKA Enneagram Number 2

This is the fourth in a series of summaries of information developed for the MTH workshop on Parenting provided by Suzanne Stabile and Dr. Barbara Rila.

Kangaroo, AKA Enneagram number 2

The Kangaroo is focused on whether or not they are wanted by loved ones. This is particularly cruel when the child has been abandoned by birth parents and placed for adoption. Despite the pretty stories about being wanted by the adoptive parents, the Kangaroo remains acutely aware that they were unwanted by their first parents. The mark this leaves on a child perpetuates insecurity, fears of abandonment and need for much reassurance. Insecure attachments in adoption are often a result of the intrinsic fears of the Kangaroo.

Kangaroos will often want to search for the birthparents, to gain reassurance they were wanted. This is risky, of course, given that how the birthparent will respond is an unknown, potentially augmenting the Kangaroo’s sense of being unwanted. Open adoptions, when appropriate and available, may help the child access the reassurance that their placement was NOT about being unwanted, rather about what the parent could not provide for them.

Kangaroos will need a truthful and honest account of what is known about their placement, even if it is an ugly story. They are emotionally savvy, sensing the unstated and undercurrents and will always interpret these in a negative fashion. Providing the true story, in developmentally appropriate language, allows the Kangaroo to grieve their losses and to receive the love available to them within adoption.

Low impact discipline is also appropriate for the Kangaroo. Time in rather than time out is particularly important. Isolating a Kangaroo is tantamount to rejection and abandonment, confirming their worst fear of being unwanted. Debriefing with the child after serving a time in also critically important. This allows for repair of the breach in relationship, reassuring the Kangaroo they are wanted.

Parents of Kangaroos should cultivate an interaction style which signals their emotional presence. Distracted, detached, or auto-pilot parenting will confirm the child’s sense of being unwanted. A warm, interested focus on the Kangaroo will allow them to feel like they are indeed wanted and precious. Parents should establish eye contact with the Kangaroo, and mirror their emotions back to them. Reflective listening is very helpful also, mirroring back to the child what they are expressing to let them know they have been heard and understood.

Reflective listening is particularly important with angry feelings. Kangaroos can sprout anger, as opposed to their usual caregiving. Accepting and processing angries with the Kangaroo means they are wanted even when not they aren’t particularly likeable.

Finally, conveying to the Kangaroo that they are wanted can be accomplished in many small and visible ways. A joyous greeting each and every arrival will tell them they are wanted. Keeping photos prominently displayed at home and workplace will convey their status within the family. Guilt gifts after a separation signal the child was in the parent’s heart even when they were not together. And for the adopted Kangaroo, a repeated telling of their ‘gotcha’ story with delight and joy, will regularly remind them of how much they are wanted within this family.