This series of articles is a summary of the training event held on April 9th at My TreeHouse. Suzanne Stabile and Dr. Barbara Rila discussed the lost childhood messages and parenting adopted children.
The Monkey, AKA Enneagram Number 7
One would never guess that the exuberant Monkey is fearful their needs won't be taken care of. This is one child who repeatedly miscues parents about what they want and need. Seemingly quite self-sufficient, the Monkey has deep and hidden pockets of fear, not readily apparent to others. Monkeys can be active, enthusiastic, and energetic when happy and sad, scared and even angry, when threatened. Parents will have problems discerning the tender needs of the Monkey because of their expression of all feelings in energy output.
Attachment is therefore complicated with a Monkey. The miscues reduce opportunities for the parent to recognize and meet emotional needs. The emotional needs far exceed what is signaled, so many go unmet. The child feels misunderstood or neglected, thinking the parent will not take care of them. In response, the Monkey gets busier and busier, mounting up unmet needs, and anger at the parent for neglecting them.
A Monkey placed for adoption has confirmation in their story that the birth family could not take care of them. This terrible affirmation of their greatest fear activates all that energy, distraction, and activity within their adoptive family, to ward off the enormous sadness of not being able to receive the care of the first parents. Trying to build an attachment with an adopted Monkey is like trying to capture a moving target. And that moving target is evading the very sadness of loss, the very sadness which must be addressed to form a new attachment in the adoptive family.
Monkeys will need to be repeatedly told, and shown that sadness and other negative feelings are normal and survivable. They will need role models for grief and loss and coping with the same. Sad and bad feelings will need acknowledgement when parents suspect them. If the monkey denies bad feelings, parents will need to again reassure the child that bad feelings are normal and even healthy. A wonderful way to sell the Monkey on owning bad feelings is to teach them that such feelings are temporary, and that talking about them gets them to go away faster.
The hyperactive Monkey needs clear boundaries, rules, and expectations. While spontaneity is treasured by the Monkey, so too is the constancy of the parent's presence, their unwavering love, and efforts to care for the child. Firm limits will be necessary even when they spoil the child's fun, or maybe in order to spoil the Monkey's fun! The rules and boundaries serve to allow the fearful Monkey to be safe, one of their primary needs.
Monkeys need many and varied stimulating activities. Easily bored and not readily tired out, they are challenging for parents with more responsibilities and less energy. These are children who will readily accept anyone who entertains them, so share their care, taxiing and supervision with other adults. Enjoy the peace and quite while your Monkey is gone, because you'll need that reserve supply when they return!
