This series of articles is a summary of the training event held on April 9th at MTH. Suzanne Stabile and Dr. Rila discussed the lost childhood messages and parenting adopted children.
The Owl, Enneagram Type 5:
‘Your needs are not a problem’ is the message to provide for this child. The difficult part for the parent is discerning the child’s needs and wants. The indications are subtle, a slight physical reaction, a small hesitation, a fleeting expression. But the minimalistic expression should not be interpreted by parents as unimportant. Tuning into these hints will allow the parent to sensitively address the need or desire of the Owl.
Responding to needs and wishes of an Owl should be low impact however. Eager parents who pounce upon the opportunity to engage the child, will overwhelm the Owl and cause them to retreat. A calm, quiet invitation is better received, matching the child’s level of expression. This is called attunement; a parent sensitively matching a child’s expression of needs.
Attunement is the mechanism by which attachment is built. The Owl has fewer expressions of needs and therefore it is more challenging to build the attachment relationship. Owls are particularly resistant to attachment if they have been previously neglected, abused, or abandoned. All adopted children have experienced an enormous loss, and the Owl will be quite sensitive about this.
If the Owl expresses fears, these will be far deeper than they appear. Think of the iceberg; the visible portion is tiny in comparison to the deadly and enormous portion below. That is not to say a parent needs to react strongly to the Owl’s expression of fear, just to recognize that a hint of anxiety indicates a genuine problem. Discussing the facts of the matter will be reassuring to the Owl; knowledge brings comfort and greater security for this child.
Owls need low impact discipline, mildly and calmly delivered. They will need explanations for rules, expectations, and consequences. No giving the ‘because I said so’ rationale to these children. Feed their brain with reason, so their behavior can follow. Use an explanation which matches your Owl’s stage of intellectual development , recognizing that some explanations will be beyond the child’s cognitive level of understanding. This will be highly frustrating for the child, so stick closely to safety rules and rationales whenever possible.
Feed the brain of the Owl with shared activities of interest to them. Cultivate shared interests and activities because this too will celebrate the uniqueness of this child, and will convey your value and pleasure in their company. Do remember however, that low impact joy and enthusiasm are more welcome than exuberance.
Barbara Rila, Ph.D., P.C.
