Workshop 3: Surviving Adolescence

Workshop 3: Surviving Adolescence
Saturday, October 15, 2011, 09:00am - 04:00pm
Surviving Adolescence: Help Your Child Navigate Friendships And Decision-Making Date: Saturday, October 15th, 9-4pm Location: The Micah Center Facilitators: Suzanne Stabile and Dr. Barbara RilaCost: $50 for one parent; $75 for two parents; $25 Per child Parent Workshop Description: Friendships, and the belonging they represent, are multi-dimensional and complex for all adolescents but especially for adopted children. Enneagram wisdom is very helpful in addressing ways to both support, and understand our children as they navigate relationships. This workshop will help parents know when and how to be involved and it will include an opportunity to see how the parent's Enneagram number can be a positive or a negative influence in relation to the social lives of their children. The second topic for discussion will be Enneagram and decision-making. As children reach adolescence, independent decision-making becomes more and more important. We can all make better decisions about our lives when we are equipped with self-knowledge. To that end the Enneagram is a great tool for looking at and carefully evaluating how to make good choices. Parents can be very helpful to their children in this process when they are more fully aware of the decision-making process that is natural to each Enneagram type.

Understanding Your Child's Enneagram Personality Type - The Eagle, AKA Enneagram Number 3

This is the seventh of a series based on the MTH workshop, Parenting to Lost Childhood Messages, offered by Suzanne Stabile and Barbara Rila, PhD.

Parenting an Eagle, AKA Enneagram Number 3

The Eagle proudly performs in ways which they hope ensure love. Their fear of being unloved as they are permeates relationships. Eagles seek to perform in a pleasing way for parents, as a hedge of protection against rejection. Therefore, an adopted Eagle is particularly sensitive to being the child the parent wants, rather than feeling accepted as they are.

Adoption typically offers genetic dissimilarity. The child’s skills, talents, and treasures will often not match those of the parents. The Eagle adapts to adoption by trying to be and become the child they believe their parent wants, rather than being who they uniquely are. This creates a distance between parent and child, because the child does not reveal genuine feelings and thoughts, nor do they assert their right to be different from the parents. And parents who are not sensitive to this, inadvertently play into providing the child a script and map to follow which may not work for that child.

Parenting an Eagle requires self monitoring. Conveying inappropriate expectations, wishes or demands of the child will place conditions on their love. Already concerned with adapting self to other’s standards, the Eagle will struggle to become the expected, rather than the real self. Falling short of the parent’s expectation threatens loss of love; therefore, being one’s self threatens loss of love.

Sensitive parents will celebrate their child’s differences from themselves, siblings, and even from their own expectations. They will admire the Eagle’s uniqueness and differences from self and family members. Parents will cultivate the skills of the Eagle even when vastly different from other family members.

An Eagle child also needs to develop realistic self appraisal. Shortcomings and deficits are feared by the child who ‘knows’ this will cause rejection. Consequently, they may cultivate a braggy interactional style, inflating self worth and denying failures. Helping them achieve a balanced sense of self, with both positive and negative attributes is important.

An inherent emotional dishonesty in the Eagle may seriously affect the parent-child relationship. Eagles need time to discover their own feelings and wishes, so when an important discussion needs to happen, parents can give them thinking time on the topic before actually discussing the matter. The child should be prompted to consider their real feelings rather than the right feelings before having to talk about the issue. If they lack words to express feelings, a feeling word list or feelings faces chart can assist the child in identifying their own internal experience.

If adoptive parents fail to honor the Eagle’s intrinsic worth, the child will struggle mightily with the question of being loved for themselves. And attachment will not thrive unless the child feels loved for self, rather than living up to parental expectations.

Understanding Your Child's Enneagram Personality Type - The Bee, AKA Enneagram Number 1

This is the sixth of a series based on the MTH workshop, Parenting to Lost Childhood Messages, offered by Suzanne Stabile and Barbara Rila, Ph.D..

Parenting a Bee, Enneagram Number 1

A Bee struggles to be good, believing they must not make mistakes in order to hang on to the love of their parents. This is a terrible burden for the Bee, feeling love is conditional upon their being good children. As a result, Bees are constantly self monitoring using their own internal alarm system to find mistakes. They become their own worst critic.

A Bee who has been adopted is particularly insecure if they associate their abandonment by the birthparents as being due to a flaw within themselves. They often internalize this so deeply that it drives their relationship with the adoptive parents. Over-eagerness to please the parent, pervasive misrepresentation of truth and motivations, and brittle reactions to correction are all signs the Bee is struggling with adoption issues. Their fear is they will also be abandoned by the adoptive parent if they make a mistake. This is very painful for the child and perplexing for the devoted adoptive parent, who finds the Bee to be emotionally fragile in spite of constancy of their love and commitment.

Like the Owls, Bees require low impact discipline. Correction should be calm, brief, and consequences mild. Parents should avoid strong emotion when correcting, even to the point of controlling voice tone and volume, facial expression and body tension. Bees will be highly sensitive to both verbal and nonverbal criticism, judgment and disapproval. They will even perceive criticism when it is not present, and will need reassurances with self doubt.

A couple of low impact disciplinary strategies are the one-minute-scolding and the love sandwich. A one-minute-scolding essentially limits the duration of parents’ fussing for misbehavior and mistakes. With the Bee, it would be important to tell them they are getting a one-minute-scolding, then offer it, and end the intervention promptly. And parents: no more grousing after that!

The love sandwich offers a statement of love for the child, followed by the correction, and sandwiched with another statement of love. It goes something like this: ‘Punkin, you know we love you very much. So when you bark at us, we don’t like it. Please use a polite voice. We love you and like to feel your love.’ This correction softens the criticism and builds in reassurance for the hypersensitive Bee.

Because the Bee is determined to be good, they are motivated to avoid accepting responsibility, admit mistakes, and may be prone to giving the ‘right’ answer rather than the ‘real’ answer. They may even cloak their real feelings, offering up the right feeling when asked.

Understanding Your Child's Enneagram Personality Type - The Lion, AKA Enneagram Number 8

Understanding Your Child's Enneagram Personality Type - The Lion, AKA Enneagram Number 8

This is the fifth in a series of summaries of information developed for the MTH workshop on Parenting provided by Suzanne Stabile and Dr. Barbara Rila.

Enneagram - Type 8

This is one of the most intimidating children to parent, with strong will, demands, and a love of conflict. Just like its namesake, the Lion will be aggressive, striking offensively to avoid being blindsided by betrayal. It is difficult to feel close to a Lion, and harder yet for the Lion to trust enough to allow closeness.

Lion children typically have strained attachment relationships in adoption. Betrayal is their worst fear, and they have been betrayed in the worst way imaginable: kicked out of the pride by the elders, stranded to fend for themselves in adoption. Anger often accompanies the Lion into adoption, along with its milder expressions of rebellion, oppositionality, defiance, and arguing. These ‘attacks’ are the Lion’s preemptive strike to avoid closeness and betrayal.

Adoptive parents struggle under the weight of the sins of their predecessors when parenting the Lion. But, it is critical to both child and parent they not personalize the attacks. The Lion who wounds a parent is on top of the chain of command and assumes control of the weaker family members. This seriously undermines the parent-child role functioning, diminishing the adoptive parent’s authority, ability to attach, and feel closeness with and warmth for their child. Furthermore, the Lion’s ability to learn when to submit to authority is compromised; a skill they will need for a lifetime.

The primary parenting skill needed with a Lion is the ability not to wither in the face of anger and conflict. This will be natural for a few parents, but will need to be cultivated by many. Directly facing the attack, keeping eye contact, standing tall, feet firmly planted, and using a firm, no nonsense voice is advised. Offer short and repeated instructions, regardless of what the child offers, is necessary in a conflict. Remind them the matter will be discussed more thoroughly when they are calm/respectful/in control. Then make sure to follow up under those conditions in the child, but at a time, place and way initiated by the parent.

For the smaller infractions a wonderful example of parenting is demonstrated by Super Nanny. Emotions are low, instructions are simple and respectful, time out are meted out according to developmental stage, acknowledgment of wrong-doing and an apology are required to exit time out, and forgiveness is offered. This paradigm works well for the Lion because of the refusal to engage in argument, the parent maintaining composure therefore rebuffing the attack, and the requirement the child accept responsibility and apologize. It makes the Lion roll over, show their belly to a bigger ‘lion’, and begins to tame the beast.

Parents of Lions do not receive many benefits in the form of love, appreciation, or closeness. They must often settle for respect, grudging submission to their authority, and if they are lucky and successful, trust. To be trusted, the parent of a Lion must assume the mantle of authority, backing down the child who knows they are not safe when they are aggressive. The parent will also need to be consistent, predictable, and keep ‘promises’. Bear in mind that off-handed comments are taken by many children as promises, and with the Lion, throw in a ‘maybe’, a disclaimer, or a ‘let’s try to’ modifier with such statements. Lions will need to know earlier than other children the truth about Santa Claus, Tooth Fairies, and Easter Bunnies. Because the fear betrayal, lying even for the fun of the occasion is not advisable.

Lions can be taught many skills in conflict, social situations, manners, and anger management. But they must experience the need to use these skills. Lions in particular, should be taught their number and its limitations and consequences to help them understand the need for these seemingly pointless skills.

Understanding Your Child's Enneagram Personality Type - The Kangaroo, AKA Enneagram Number 2

This is the fourth in a series of summaries of information developed for the MTH workshop on Parenting provided by Suzanne Stabile and Dr. Barbara Rila.

Kangaroo, AKA Enneagram number 2

The Kangaroo is focused on whether or not they are wanted by loved ones. This is particularly cruel when the child has been abandoned by birth parents and placed for adoption. Despite the pretty stories about being wanted by the adoptive parents, the Kangaroo remains acutely aware that they were unwanted by their first parents. The mark this leaves on a child perpetuates insecurity, fears of abandonment and need for much reassurance. Insecure attachments in adoption are often a result of the intrinsic fears of the Kangaroo.

Kangaroos will often want to search for the birthparents, to gain reassurance they were wanted. This is risky, of course, given that how the birthparent will respond is an unknown, potentially augmenting the Kangaroo’s sense of being unwanted. Open adoptions, when appropriate and available, may help the child access the reassurance that their placement was NOT about being unwanted, rather about what the parent could not provide for them.

Kangaroos will need a truthful and honest account of what is known about their placement, even if it is an ugly story. They are emotionally savvy, sensing the unstated and undercurrents and will always interpret these in a negative fashion. Providing the true story, in developmentally appropriate language, allows the Kangaroo to grieve their losses and to receive the love available to them within adoption.

Low impact discipline is also appropriate for the Kangaroo. Time in rather than time out is particularly important. Isolating a Kangaroo is tantamount to rejection and abandonment, confirming their worst fear of being unwanted. Debriefing with the child after serving a time in also critically important. This allows for repair of the breach in relationship, reassuring the Kangaroo they are wanted.

Parents of Kangaroos should cultivate an interaction style which signals their emotional presence. Distracted, detached, or auto-pilot parenting will confirm the child’s sense of being unwanted. A warm, interested focus on the Kangaroo will allow them to feel like they are indeed wanted and precious. Parents should establish eye contact with the Kangaroo, and mirror their emotions back to them. Reflective listening is very helpful also, mirroring back to the child what they are expressing to let them know they have been heard and understood.

Reflective listening is particularly important with angry feelings. Kangaroos can sprout anger, as opposed to their usual caregiving. Accepting and processing angries with the Kangaroo means they are wanted even when not they aren’t particularly likeable.

Finally, conveying to the Kangaroo that they are wanted can be accomplished in many small and visible ways. A joyous greeting each and every arrival will tell them they are wanted. Keeping photos prominently displayed at home and workplace will convey their status within the family. Guilt gifts after a separation signal the child was in the parent’s heart even when they were not together. And for the adopted Kangaroo, a repeated telling of their ‘gotcha’ story with delight and joy, will regularly remind them of how much they are wanted within this family.

Deepening the Connection with your Adopted Child Conference Coming!

Deepening the Connection with

your Adopted Child

Friday, July 8

Saturday, July 9

• 6:30 - 9 p.m. • 9 a.m. - 5 p.m.

Lunch & evening snacks included

The Gladney Center

6300 John Ryan Drive, Fort Worth, Texas

To register, go to http://my-treehouse.org/index.php?option=com_jevents&task=icalrepeat.detail&evid=83&Itemid=

Deepening the Connection with your Adopted Child

July 8-9, 2011

Workshop for Parents 

Part I Friday night 6:30 - 9:00p.m. and Saturday 9:00am-2:00pm

Using a powerful and distinctive tool for understanding personality, Suzanne Stabile teaches this foundational workshop for parents of adoptive children. Attendees will gain insight into how the parent’s personality impacts their approach to communication and parenting techniques. An adoptee herself, Suzanne is uniquely qualified to apply the lessons of this session for adoptive parents. Attendees will more fully understand the distinctions between different personality types, and how those types are expressed in both adults and children. 

Part II Saturday afternoon 2-5pm Dr. Barbara Rila will expand on the lessons of personality offered in our first session, detailing how personality types impact the "goodness of fit" between parents and children. "Goodness of Fit" refers to the level of compatibility between a parent and child, and is a critical component in the development of healthy emotional connections within the family unit.   

Workshop attendees will learn how goodness of fit impacts relational empathy, personal compatibility, and conflict resolution. Attendees will also learn how unavoidable stress points in personality fit can impede relational connection, and possibly even attachment. By gaining an understanding of different personalities, parents learn how to address their own stress points. The workshop includes a parent self-appraisal process. A parallel appraisal process appropriate for use with children will also be made available. Finally, parents will be given a map of fits and misses, to guide their parenting growth plan. 

Workshop for Children - Ages 8-15 years old* 

Saturday all day 9-5pm Dr. Barbara Rila, Dr. Jason Mishalanie, Jim Harlow, Joey Schewee, and Patti Pickering will facilitate the Children’s Workshop. Children will learn about different personality types and discover their own in a fun atmosphere. This session is designed to build self-esteem and respect for the gifts and ability of others. Children will learn more about the positive and challenging aspects of their personality. Finally, children will be given a self-appraisal that will be provided to parents for use in the "Goodness of Fit" discussion in the parent workshop.

Featured Speakers 


Dr. Barbara Rila 
Dr. Rila is a nationally recognized psychologist who has served as a therapist to foster and adoptive families for 25 years. She also provides nationwide training in adoption, attachment, and abuse issues. Dr. Rila has served on numerous boards including the Dallas Psychological Association, Texas Association of Infant Mental Health, and was the first president and founding member of the Association for Treatment and Training in the Attachment of Children. 

Suzanne Stabile

An adoptee herself, Suzanne holds a Bachelor’s Degree in Social Science from Southern Methodist University, and 

has completed additional graduate studies in both Theology and Sociology. Suzanne is a recognized and sought after instructor in the Enneagram, a centuries-old method of identifying personality types that is widely respected as a valuable tool in understanding individual behaviour and motivations. 

Jim Harlow 

Jim is an adoptive parent of five children from backgrounds of abuse and neglect and with special needs. After being self employed for over 30 years and raising his family, Jim went back to school to earn his M.A. in Counseling at Dallas Baptist University. He is also completing the required supervised counseling hours for his Licensed Professional Counselor Internship in private practice. Aside from his personal experience in his own family, Jim and his wife have spent years working with other adoptive families in parent support groups. 

For more information contact: 

ppickering@my-treehouse.org

Understanding Your Child's Enneagram Personality Type - The Rabbit, AKA Enneagram Number 6

The Rabbit, like its namesake is easily frightened and just wants to be safe. Some Rabbits act scared, some act tough to cover their fears. All Rabbits need love and safety from their parents. When a Rabbit has been placed for adoption, their safety needs are violated, massive fears are aroused, and over-attachment can present in adoption. Rabbits may cling harder and longer than other children to the adoptive parents, suffering separation anxiety much longer and with greater pain. This is known as an Insecure Attachment and befuddles parents who are dependable and steadfast in their commitment to the child they adopted.

Anxiety may permeate all the Rabbit’s relationships in the form of insecurity, diminished self esteem, or controlling and bossy behaviors. The relationships which are hoped to provide safety can instead bring about conflict, hurt, and rejection. Bullies may sense the insecurity of the Rabbit and have great fun tormenting them. This will simply confirm, again, that the world is not a safe place.

Many of the Rabbit’s fears are disproportionately large and enthusiastically portrayed. The parent who engages at that level of excitement will inadvertently confirm the child’s fears with their enthusiasm. Better would be a modulated response which first hears the child’s concerns, acknowledges the worry, problem solves with the child about how to manage, and verbalizes confidence in the child’s courage, strength, or perseverance.

Bedtime is problematic for Rabbits. Separation from the parent, being alone with their worries, and perhaps having fears at night all culminate in this process becoming labor intensive for parents. Establishing a bedtime ritual is important to the Rabbit. Prayers are recommended, or another reflective activity befitting the family’s spiritual traditions. A parent could grant leniency on such things as keeping a light on or music playing. Winding down the day could include warm water for bathing, milk products, lovies, and tuck ins. Parents often lie down with the Rabbit until they fall asleep. As last resort, Rabbits can sleep with parents, or in a nest on their bedroom floor, until the high anxiety abates.

In general, a Rabbit’s fears can be assuaged by structure, predictability, keeping a familiar routine, and preparing the child for any anticipated changes. This is a child who takes literally, and as a promise, everything a parent says is going to happen. The surest way to make the Rabbit feel unsafe with a parent is to casually dismiss these ‘promises’ later. Repeated disappointments of this sort erode the parent-child relationship.

A Rabbit can get hopping mad. When they do, it looks like and sounds like a toddler’s tantrum. That is how the parent should treat it, wait for the storm to pass and when they can talk in a civil voice, address the problem succinctly.

Barbara Rila, Ph.D., P.C.